Sansa and her foul mouth
by Sue Meriah
Summary: It is morning in King's Landing and is it time for Sansa to wake up and prepare for the day. But... she doesn't really care much about anything this time. (Rated M. contains strong language and the result of being baked af at 3:00 AM)
1. Waking up

It was her handmaiden that woke her in the early in the morning. Sansa tried to open her eyes, while cursing the day and her handmaiden.  
Alyssa apologied. 'Forgive me, my lady. King Joffrey has summoned you for Court early this morning.'  
'If joffrey was any more inbred he'd be a sandwich,' Sansa muttered to herself as she swung her legs out of bed. Alyssa gasped. 'My _lady_!' she stared at her in utter disbelief. Sansa rolled her eyes at her. 'It's gonna be a shit day, but it's gonna be fine. There is one thing I once learned from a great knight. Many knew of him." Sansa said as got undressed. "It always helped me when I had to look at ugly faces right when I awoke on the morrow."  
"What was his name, my lady?" Alyssa asked, seemingly interested in Sansa's tale. "And what did he teach you?"  
"His name was ser Logan of house Paul. He taught me that..."  
She paused, raising one hand in the air diagonally,  
"He taught me that u should dab on da haters boiiiii!" She declared, alligning her arm in a sharp angle as she hid her face in the crook of her arm in one swift motion.  
Sansa laughed, her nose wrinkling and her eyes squinting as she made gurgling noises as she lost her breath. "hahahahah Ch Ch Ch Ch Ch"  
She wanted to say more, but couldn't even finish the thought before breaking into another fit of laughter. "It all sounds so funny when I write it down in my head, ye know." Her handmaiden took a step backwards. "Do you need writing material, my lady? For a letter? I could send for a page!" Alyssa reached for the doorknob and tried to leave the room, but Sansa called her to a stop. "ay boi no m8 it's gud just gimme a dress k its cold as fucken balls in here." Sansa rubbed her arms to give it more emphasis.  
Alyssa, visibly astonished hearing lady Sansa speak in both syllables and numerics, was at a loss for words. She remained silent and headed to her cabinet, picking out her attire for today. In the mean time, Sansa rubbed her teats uncomfortably while looking at herself in the mirror. "ma fucken nips are hard as diamonds in this bloody cold m80 so hand over dA f00k€N dr€$$ N1GG/\\!" She called out, purposefully speaking in strange numerics to scare her handmaiden more. The blonde-haired girl almost tripped over her own feet as she brought the dress to her. It was a red and gold one, with a deep neckline and two golden lions grabbing the attention to her chest.  
One of the many jokes of Cersei, to humiliate her in front of the entire court.  
"that piece of shet," muttered Sansa under her breath. She grabbed the dress from her hands and held it in front of her, letting out some wind. The wet sound echoed through the room and it made her bottom jiggle a little.  
"fuk me that was loud," she commented, looking at the bodice with a wary look on her face. "dis dress ugly as shit boi 10/10 would not wear." Alyssa barely caught the dress Sansa threw in her direction. as she looked at her with pleading eyes. "My lady, the queen would flog me. It is a gift from her. I beg you, please try it on!" She stroked the glimmering fabric of the dress.  
"You would look lovely in it, mylady," she added, smiling nervously.  
Sansa looked at her, then the dress, as she straightened her mouth in a thin line, her blue eyes half lidded with feigned boredom. She took one step closer to her handmaiden, grabbing her face in her hands. "does it look like i give 2 shits m8? She can sukk ma salty nutz, how bout that!" Sansa laughed at the shocked face of the mousy girl, as she herself stepped to the closet and flipped through the dresses, silently complaining. "dis hairy cunt wakin me up hella early givin me ho-ass clothes." Her eyebrows knitting together in thought. "Whose balls do I have to use as a powderbrush to get sum fucken sweatpants sent in here?"

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	2. Court

The sun near blinded the young lady Stark as she walked through the halls of the red keep. The light, as well as a cool summer's wind stroke across her features. Anyone walking past saw the disgraced daughter of Ned Stark, striding past as graceful as one could manage whilst gazing at the floor. This morning has begun as bad could be, and meeting eyes with whomever came by was the last thing she wanted. _these ugly ass niggas staring straight at ma fucken tits and shit,_ she inwardly narrated. _The fuck outta here. Already gotta deal w/ those Lannister guard-cunts sniffing my ass everywhere I go. Not to mention dis hot-ass sun burning ma face like a fresh new yeast infection lmao_ She snorted at her own silly thought, quickly turning it into a cough as she ventured into the Great Hall. Sansa's hidden smile immediately soured at the sight of the pair of Lannisters proudly standing near the throne, Cersei and her beloved son, King Joffrey. They seemed to be having a heated discussion, whispering to eachother, even hunched over. Suddenly they both looked straight at her. _Fuk me sideways I can smell her farting her brothers cum all the way from here_ , she thought as she quickly curtsied, her face frozen. _Nasty slut_.  
Sansa hurried to her place at the balcony, the best place to be if you wanted to spend as little as time looking at the king's face as possible. It was lucky she had a strong stomach, or her egg-and-cheese breakfast would have come out of her as soon as she laid eyes upon her betrothed. Some more ladies came standing next to her, their perfume smell churning her stomach even more. Somewhere in the back of her mind it reminded her of her own perfumes. _dat bitch alyssa stole my goddamn roller deo. I'm sure as fuk. She boutta get her ass whooped imma tell you. soon as I see her- she ded_. Sansa tried to smell herself as inconspicuously as she could, and she immediately regretted it. _Jesus christ when was the last time I shaved my fucken pits?_ She tried to imagine the hairy mess going on right underneath her arms. Her silky, red hair on her head truly had no comparison to it. _Puberty messin with ma hormones makin me smell like a ded horse fuken a ded fish_. The image of her first kiss with Joffrey suddenly came to mind. Now she truly felt sick to the stomach. _I aint smell half as bad as his breath tho_

Sansa turned to the lady standing next to her. She had no idea who she was, but she cared not. "Ey whaddup ma girl when dis shit finna start imma bout to pass tf out lmao" The green-dressed young girl looked quite taken aback with her words. "My lady, I… I wouldn't know.' Her tiny mouth trembled into a smile as she curtsied. "Best we wait patiently until His Grace sees fit to begin, wouldn't you say?" Sansa looked down at her questionably. "sees fit? Nigga he skinny and greasy like a deep fried noodle. He aint fit for shit. Only thing he fit is the Eiffel tower up his brown star!" Sansa laughed and accidentally shot out some mucus. She looked at the girl friendly as she wiped her snot with her hand and stuck it out to her to shake. "The Eiffel tower and Brown Star? I've never heard of these places. Is that in the north?" The girl, around twelve, awkwardly took her wet hand and squeezed. _dis girl dum as fuck jfc_ "I'm just playin girl don't u worry ma name sansa stark of winterfel hbu"  
"Aleria Naq'uar of Braavos, my lady," she quietly replied as the crowd finally started to hush down. "A pleasure to meet you."  
"damn girl try not to cum," Sansa said. She quickly turned her face to the fourth wall. "I know that was an inkoppertje shut up k I'm hella baked."  
Aleria tapped her arm. "Lady Sansa, are you alright? Who are you talking to?" Sansa quickly turned around and looked over at the girl one more time. "OK den imma call u lesbo just to remember ur name cuz I already got an alyssa as my handmaiden and just cuz Sue is shit coming up with names doesn't mean imma be learning a fuckton of em that sounds da same ok?"  
"What are y-"  
"shut da hel up dude the cringefest is boutta start."

At last, Joffrey stood up from his throne and waved his arm slowly across the crowd, as if to silent them. "Lords and ladies, commonfolk, farmers, knights and all who is present. I thank you for coming."  
"Gayyyyyy" Sansa silently muttered.  
"Before I will start court, I must address a simple issue with my beloved betrothed, the lady Sansa Stark." He turned to her, his sneering smile across his face as he waved her to him. "My lady, if you please, join me." Whispers and gossip started to form around her as she froze up. She could feel Aleria looking up at her wide-eyed.  
 _no fucken way he just heard me,_ Sansa reasoned with herself as she tried not to recoil at the thought of getting down there. The temptation to mess with him would be too strong.  
"Little dove, what are you waiting for?" Cersei Lannister called out to her. "Hurry up, child!" Sansa turned around for the stairs and rolled her eyes so hard they hurt. Her deep, exasperated sigh could be heard from anywhere in King's Landing, had the people listened for it. _Of course she gotta do me like that callin me a fucken child. Bitch imma mess with u too 2day how bout dat  
_ Sansa walked right up to him, uncomfortably close as she gave him the most sarcastic curtsy she could offer. "Your Grace, what a pleasure it is to be received by you this early on the morrow. I am grateful you would find the time for one such as me. Now what the liVING FU-"  
"I summoned you here this morning to inquire you about a peculiar thing I heard," Joffrey interrupted her. "My advisors tell me you tend to stroll around the castle after curfew."  
"So?" Sansa frowned.  
"So, what?" Joffrey threatened, his eyes flashing with anger. From his left side, where Cersei was standing, she looked absolutely livid.  
"I'm sorry. So _what_?" The look on his face was priceless. "…Your grace?" she added innocently.  
"It is for your own safety to stay in your chambers after curfew. _My lady_ ," he answered, voice dangerously low. Sansa tellingly looked at his mouth for a second and took a step backwards. Her face cringed in disgust and she stopped her breathing audibly. "Oh but, my king, I do truly apologize. I was not aware this castle lacks the safety to let little old me roam about when I'm unable to sleep?" she loudly exclaimed, stealing one look at Aleria. She looked as if she could collapse from shock as she kept talking. The rest of the crowd wisely stayed quiet.  
"These are not your concerns. You do as you are told!" Joffrey yelled at her, losing his patience. "You stay in your room after dark, until the sun is up!"  
 _Score!_ Sansa thought to herself. _That means no more early morning tea with cersei and her fuckwit cousins. Can't even take a proper morning dump with those people._ She gave him a quick curtsy. "Thank you, my king." She smiled at him. As propriety dictated, he took her hand and pressed a quick kiss on it. Too bad a big booger was stuck to her palm and the top of her hand was still wet from when she wiped her nose earlier.

She saw his face change into realization for a split second but before he could react to the salty taste she already bolted to cersei. Just as she bowed for her curtsy she passed a foul smelling wind, a perfectly executed- silent and deadly. As she ran up to her new little friend on the balcony she could hear Cersei gagging.

 _Perfect._


	3. Red flowers and golden roses

The temperatures were rising tremendously in the Great Hall of the Red Keep. Joffrey, looking equally handsome as he did evil, sat on his iron throne and looked down onto the commoner with a sneer on his face. The tension in the hall was thick as the morning mist as all present stood quiet at hearing the poor man's plea. 'Your Grace, in the name of the seven I beg you to forgive me for this crime. I…' He swallowed audibly and tried to speak, but Joffrey cut him off. 'This man deems himself more valuable than the others in this city. He stole food that belonged to someone who needs it just as much. What kind of arrogant man deserves the mercy of the gods?' he asked him. No one answered, so the king continued. 'Whether the gods will give you mercy will not be up to me. So let's test this, shall we? Ser Illyn, cut off the arms and legs of this man, see if the Gods will deem him worthy enough to live, without stealing and running ever again.' A wave of shock followed through the hall, as the commoner screamed for mercy until one of the guard punched him hard enough to seize the noise.

'absolutely no fucken way I'm gonna sit here any longer. Jesus fucking Christ this be taking hella long!' Sansa whispered to Alerie a little frustrated. Watching people's tongue of hands cut off is fun mostly twice a week. On those days, she would have a first row view from the balcony, as she saw nothing was more enjoyable than seeing the shocked look from the faces of the other ladies she passed after court, her dress bloodied and a mad look in her eyes, as if she single-handedly cut the throats of every enemy she ever had. Sansa grinned inwardly at the thought. But it was already way past midday and her red flower was blooming. That, accompanied with the moist heat in the red keep and standing for hours, was quite uncomfortable. Some ladies looked over her way, but they said nothing. Sansa held her hands in front of her mouth and raised her voice. 'Can we hurry this bullshit up a bit please? Ma period be coming hella strong boi, its drippin down ma leg like a fucken faucet, ain't got nothing on chopping off arms n legs n shit, I swear.'

Joffrey looked over her way in utter disbelief. Cersei's green eyes flashed with anger and embarrassment and Sandor Clegane, standing strong and tall like a tower, kind of slumped in his stance, closing his eyes in annoyance. The man who was about to be judged still sat there, dropped to his knees, staring at her with a terrified look in his eyes, visibly shocked and confused.

Sansa glanced over at her friend Alerie, her face absolutely horrified as she carefully watched the king in case he might explode in rage. It kind of made her laugh and all the more encouraged to ruin court.  
' _Why you little…_ ' Cersei started, but quickly got interrupted by Joffrey. Sansa saw him clenching his fist all the way from up the balcony. 'Lady Sansa, I am in the middle of my kingly duties. I will see to your health later. You are excused _for now._ ' His voice betrayed the impending doom and torture she was soon to receive. It did not faze Sansa one bit. She raised her thumbs up in feigned appraision and raised her voice again. 'Ayyy mate thx so much imma be takin dis girl with me-' she put her arm around Alerie, pale as a ghost- 'She a lesbo I know but I ran strait outta pads dis morning and I'm dropping big blobs of blood dude so she gotta help' She paused and shook her head in memory of what she felt falling out of her skirts whilst walking. Joffrey raised his hand to stop her from talking but she pretended not to see. 'Bruh imma tell ya its like an ongoing fetus waterfall so try not to slip out there lmao' Sansa laughed, giving Alerie a playful shove. 'lucky it's just ma period, cuz being preggo makes u hella fat, right, queen cersei?'  
'That is quite enough!' Cersei yelled at her, losing her patience.  
'Just go!' Joffrey added. 'I will see you later, _my lady!_ '  
Sansa huffed and pulled a confused Alerie along with her. 'No need to be all sarcastic and shit, Yer grace, fuck,' she replied as she walked out to the corridors, taking one conspiratorially glance at her friend. 'dis fucking guy swer 2 god…' Luckily, the doors to the Great Hall closed quickly behind them and the screams of the bejudged man losing his limbs soon followed.

Sansa knew not what it was about the tiny lady, were it her youth, her innocence or perhaps how she seemed to understand most of what she was saying, it made her the smallest bit protective over her. Perhaps she could even find a true friend in her. As long as she stayed meek and quiet and above all open minded, there were in for a lot of laughs. Honestly Sansa was glad she could spare the child the sight of arms ánd legs cut off. Although, she did feel a pang of sorry not to be there for the bloody spectacle.

It took about five minutes of walking before Alerie could form any words. 'My Lady, How could I ever explain to the king what just has happened? Won't he be mad at the crude things you said?' Her eyes were large and a panicked look crossed her face. 'And what about me? The king nor the kings guard wouldn't hurt the King's intended, but they would punish me! My own lord father would flog me on the streets if I used such language!' She grabbed Sansa's arms and shook them. 'Mylady, why would you involve me-?'  
'jesus fucken Christ can u maybe chill 4 like 0.2 seconds 4 da love of god' She freed herself from her grip. '1. Don't fucken touch me bruh. 2. Joffrey isn't gonna do shit. 3. I can take every single fucken knight he can throw me. I'm on ma period and men are allergic to dirty pads, ye know.'  
It was most likely her smile that made the young Alerie calm down a little, softening the tensed muscles in her shoulders. 'My lady…' she started, running her hand through her chocolate coloured curls in defeat. 'What in the seven hells do you mean?'  
'l00k mate. Dat dude's still gonna be in there for hours and he can take his pick to fuk around with whomever he wants, ok? He's gon be seeing people getting chopped da fuk up in dat boiling fuken room like a broke-ass people stew. Ain't no way hes gon remember to slap me in da face for having shark week. Not to mention remember what u look like. Ur hella small girl & frankly he don't give 2 shits.' She raised an eyebrow at her. 'No offense bro,' she added.  
'None taken.' Alerie replied reluctantly, still not entirely convinced. 'And what of the dirty pads?'  
'Raise one up in the air, one bloody as fuk, swear 2 god errbody gonna back the fuk down. I once saw on youtube guys going fucken insane w/ their gf's prankin them with bloody tampons and shit man, niggaz be droppin down on da floor like u just pulled out a bazooka or smthng. Hehehe.' She giggled at the memory. Alerie once again had no idea how to answer to that, but the look on her face was one of understanding.  
'Perhaps you might be so kind as to teach me of these things, mylady,' The lady Alerie rubbed her cream-coloured sleeves. 'I do wish to know how things go in the capital. I'm sure it is nothing like Braavos, or anything else in Westeros for that matter!'  
'Fuk knows,' Sansa said, honestly not knowing much else besides the cold North, the warm walls of Winterfell and the summer castle in a city that smells like feces. 'But that's ok girl, on one condition. U gotta be ma partner in crime, two minds will conjure up bigger and better pranks for sure.' She smiled down at her expectantly.  
'Do we have a deal?' She saw the young girl's face changing from wonder, to fear, to determination and finally, to cunningness.  
It took so long that two handmaidens hurried along the corridor, walking past them, whispering.  
 _'I heard Margaery Tyrell is even more beautiful than the queen! I cannot believe they'll all be here in a few days!'  
_ Alerie looked up at Sansa, giving her half a smile. 'Mylady, we have a deal.'


End file.
